Aviation Jokes

[bob865]

A Former Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. His friend was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, they were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around them. Next, they lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As they were being tossed around in the sky, pilot said, “Uh-oh!”
Fearing the worst, his friend asked, “What’s wrong now?”
Pilot replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”

[bob865]

EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172
PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR
FATALITIES: None
DAMAGE: Substantial
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1982
WITNESS: Line attendant at airport

Pilot came to airport at 9am, 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.

Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrape pigeon droppings off wind screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers, pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn’t get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.

Engine started okay – ran rough for about 1/2 minute, then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.

Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn’t far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.

When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the takeoff, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal – nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice – then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.

After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes – to about 300 ft – then the engine quit!

Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport – kinda like that Art School guy – and about 30 ft off the McDonald’s cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelmann!

The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up – went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things – over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot – a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown’s new El Dorado.

When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down – once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp, shut her down, and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety’s sake.

Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.

[bob865]

[EricJ]

A couple of old bush pilots forgot to turn off the master switch on their float plane and ran the battery dead.   They hadn't hand-propped it in a long time but figured they could remember how to do it.   After fussing with it for a quite a while with no success it finally caught, but the prop snagged the guy hand-propping it by the suspenders, thrashed him around violently for a while and then flung him up on the dock in a crumpled heap.

His partner jumped out onto the dock, grabbed him, and said, "Jack, speak to me!"

Jack looked up with one eye open and said, "Speak to you?   I passed you three times a second ago and you didn't even say hi!"

[Jeff H.]

Pilot dies, gets sent to Hell.  (Shocking)

Finds himself in a chair before 3 doors.  Devil pops in, says "Pick Door #1 or Door #2."  Pilot says, "What about Door #3?"  

"Not for you - pick #1 or #2", says the Devil.  They argue back and forth for a few minutes, finally the Devil says, "Hold on, I'll be back" and pops out.  Pilot, wanting to get an edge, stands up to check out each door. 

- Behind Door #1 were two pilots in the cockpit doomed to repeat the pre-flight checklist over and over for all eternity.  "No way."

- Behind Door #2 were two pilots in the cockpit doomed to repeat the same in-flight emergency over and over for all eternity.  "Oh, Hell no."

- Behind Door #3 was a pilot in recliner surrounded by Flight Attendants who were catering to his every need and desire.  "That's more like it."

Just as the Pilot sits back down in the chair, the Devil pops back in and says, "Time's up, make your choice."

Pilot chooses Door #3.  Devil refuses.  "Why not?!?", says the Pilot.  Devil replies, "Because that's Flight Attendant Hell!" 

----------------------------

Suggest memorization and use as needed on your next commercial flight.  Goes over really well with the Flight Attendants.  :-)

[steingar]

Mrs. Adams, the first grade teacher, asks all her students to tell stories with morals.  Little Lucy goes first, and tells the story about the tortoise and the hare.  Mrs. Adams asks her "what's the moral of the story", to which she replies "slow and steady wins the race." 

Then its Timmy's turn.  Timmy says that while his Uncle Frank was flying his F-106 over Viet Nam he got shot down by a surface to air missile.  He ejected, and while he was coming down under his parachute he drank a whole fifth of Wild Turkey.   Upon landing he proceeded to empty his service revolver into the Viet Cong who were swarming toward him.  He killed a half dozen more with his knife, and killed two more with his bare hands.

Mrs. Adams asks Timmy what kind of a moral there could be to such a horrible story, to which he answers "don't mess with Uncle Frank when he's been drinking."

[Southernpilot]

How do you know there's a pilot in the room?
He'll tell you.


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[Yetti]

How do your meet your next CFII?

 

Order a pizza for delivery.

[ShuRugal]

On 12/29/2014 at 9:17 PM, daver328 said:

A Major (O-4) who says, "I have an idea."

Bane of my existence.  Our good idea fairy didn't have time to acknowledge the existence of anyone who didn't outrank him (and therefore, he couldn't suck up to) unless it was to impose a Good Idea on some unsuspecting Specialists...

[INA201]

How do you make copper wire?

Give a pilot a penny.

[INA201]

ATC:  "N1235Y say Altitude"

N1235Y    "Altitude"

ATC    "N1235Y say airspeed"

N1235Y   "Airspeed"

ATC   "N1235Y say, cancel IFR"

N1235Y   "8000 feet, 150 knots indicated"

[HRM]

1 hour ago, INA201 said:

ATC:  "N1235Y say Altitude"

N1235Y    "Altitude"

ATC    "N1235Y say airspeed"

N1235Y   "Airspeed"

ATC   "N1235Y say, cancel IFR"

N1235Y   "8000 feet, 150 knots indicated"

One of my favorites...

[steingar]

Why do pilots wear neckties?

 

 

Keeps the foreskins from climbing over their heads.

[PTK]

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot error.

[Jerry 5TJ]

I met a retired airline pilot.  He's so old he remembers when sex was safe and line flying was dangerous.  

[TargetDriver]

The old airline Captain climbs into the left cockpit seat and looks over to his young second in command for the flight and says "Don't let me wake up and catch you sleeping!" ...

[Mooneymite]

A captain has a heart attack and dies in flight.  The first officer lands the plane, deplanes and heads for home.

Passing through the pilot lounge he hears a group of captains talking about the amazing feat...a first officer saving an airplane without the supervision of a captain.

A bit further down, he comes across a group of first officers.  They call him over and ask him:  "How did you know he was dead?"

[Guitarmaster]

Once there was a company that would supply first officers to airlines when they were short staffed. One of these was a dog named, "Co-pilot."

Copilot did a great job and was a pleasure to fly with, so he was popular.

One day, an airline was in need and they called the crew company. They specifically requested Copilot is he did such a great job the last time.

Their response was not positive.

They said that Copilot was available, but he did such a great job at his last airline, they upgraded him to captain and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark!

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[Bartman]

Not exactly a joke, but this seems like a fitting place to post this. 

This past weekend I flew into Wood County OH airport. Toledo approach asked me to report the airport in sight. It was all I could do to keep myself from responding "Mooney 1TF has Wood."

[Marcopolo]

In an issue of Flight Training magazine they talk about mnemonics

when an engine died he used:

(F)irewall everything
(U)ndercarriage up
(C)heck which engine failed
(K)ill it

and the second word

(M)ags check
(E)lectrics check.

In the article the plane was full of parachutists that all bailed shortly after the pilot shouted the mnemonic!
 

[HRM]

Again not a joke, but very humorous...out of the mouths of babes:

[xcrmckenna]

Not quite a joke....




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[kerry]

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored"

Tower Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately".

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid."

[Jerry 5TJ]

On 11/28/2017 at 10:46 PM, Bartman said:

This past weekend I flew into Wood County OH airport. Toledo approach asked me to report the airport in sight. It was all I could do to keep myself from responding "Mooney 1TF has Wood."

Interesting.  Last Friday I flew to KBVI, Beaver County, Pennsylvania....you probably guessed it; Pittsburgh approach asked me to report Beaver in sight. 

[Bartman]

OMGLMGDAO !!!

Well, we are all wondering.... how did you respond ?