Finally a venue for my writings on the subject.
There it was. It brought forth a million questions and for the next few minutes time would stand still like when the car is crashing and it keeps going and going. It was not a life flashes before your eyes moment, but it was close. It was a finally made it through all the obstacles in the quest for the holy grail moment. I was soon to find that this would be the longest purchasing descion in my entire life. I have probably spend less time purchasing a car than I did for this one box of paper products.
It probably starts with what was once a tabou subject that has now been thrust out into the open for the world to see. How is it that we clean ourselves after spending some quality reading time in the bathroom. What was once giggled about like teenagers talking about the new cute boy has entered mainstream media and we are given reports on the nightly news about statuses and the Toilet Paper supply chain.
And now I had come face to face with what was the object of millions of people’s quest.
I was not on a personal quest as our household is a purchaser of the Sam’s Size packs of paper products. For our household of 2 that gives extended TBR (Times Between Resupply) The toilet paper tsunami hit when we are at a peak on our TBR scale. So watching the nightly news Toilet Paper status reports is more just an amusement of people’s irrational behavior. But come to find my father has been having some GI issues, so like Hurricane Harvey when my wife cleaned out Walmart for adult diapers to resupply the people of LaGrange the Toilet Paper quest had come home to roost.
And there is was on a cart before me. It was out of place so it took some time to realize what stood before me. The cart was askew by the freezer section like when the rapture occurs and people are just whisked away to Glory. My mind is now flooded with questions to the point of overwhelming and time is standing still. Like when you see the big buck that you have hunted all year and it is the last day of the season.
My heart is racing as buck fever and adrenaline surge through my veins. I slowly move my thumb to the safety Oh wait wrong story. Frozen in my tracks hands on the cart, I slowly and carefully calculate my next move. If I move to quickly it could start a stampede of other customers that have passed this lode of gold over. Would I then need to move to a defensive posture to comply with the 6 foot rule, or deftly capture the quarry and retreat to the safety of hands on the cart such that it could be used like a battering ram for the gates of the oil supply depot in Mad Max. I form a plan of attack and 2 plans of egress.
The information on the box overwhelms my mind with facts. 6 rolls at 1000 sheets per roll. I had never contemplated the number of sheets and how many sheets is needed in a day/month/ year. Oh for the love of humanity where are the bidets that my grandmother installed in my parents house growing up. When you add the GI track issues now what is the burn rate of TP? It is 2 ply, is that good or bad? How many ply is the other stuff that we deftly toss on the cart in normal times? How many times have I cursed the big ole bag of standard rolls as it took up the cart for the last half of the trip through Sam’s?
Will one box be enough? How many trees had to sacrifice to make this box of TP? Do I buy the dispenser? Why has no one else snatched these up? (because they are out of place and the wrong shape and size, no one is looking for TP in a box)
My mind comes buzzing back to plan and attack mode as I get a hold on the adrenalin rush. This was a stated objective as Mrs. Yetti had purchased Kleenex as a TP Substitute the day prior. I must act and act swiftly without showing my cards. Egress plan one is still viable as no other TPH (Toilet Paper Horders) blocked my path. It would be a straight shot to the front of the store with a possible zig through the coffee isle as that is the least traveled isle and provides good cover from embeded snipers. I unfreeze my feet and slowly move the cart alongside the pallet of golden goodness. A final check of surroundings to make sure I am not going to get nabbed like a gazelle at a watering hole by the crocodile waiting 2 inches below the murky surface. My hands reach out and I check for pressure plates and spring switches. Looks like a good haul. Box in cart, do I try and camouflage with brownie bites or just do the nothing to see here just a box?
Do I get two boxes? It is allowed by law, but no I am an adult and I need to leave for other who may be in more need than me.
Planned egress from the store was without flaw. Standardized self-checkout prompted with an error as there were non standard bar codes on the box. A small adrenaline rush as I feared I might have to ask for help drawing attention to the golden rolls. Nope found the correct bar codes. Heart rate returns to normal. Pass through the checkers of self-checkers and then on to the bright glorious sun, oh wait March in Houston, dull grey day.
Time to whisk the precious cargo away to the strategic stockpile bunker.