Family - not interested in flying

[Fred as in Flintstone]

So....

First post here. A little background. Mid 50's. Always dreamed of flying, finally took the plunge three years ago. Working on commercial / instrument now with rentals. When I first started the private, my wife was also interested / on board and we were going to do it together. Well, she had a bad experience with motion sickness on a very hot Arizona afternoon in an Archer where the CFI was demonstrating inherent stability. Since that time I have not been able to get her in a plane. Period.

In fact, it's become even worse than that. She is now convinced that flying is super dangerous. Sends me links to fatal GA plane crashes. Doesn't like how much it costs or the time that it takes. I think some of it is that I'm a low time pilot (200hrs) and not sure she "trusts" me. 

Unfortunately, I'm the opposite. I'm 100% in. It is a passion. I want to fly more. I'd love to fly places. I want to live the pilot life. But I can't get her to budge. And interestingly enough, none of the family are really interested in flying with me. I do have extended family that would fly everyday with me (brother, brother in law, sister, nephews) but not my kids. 

Just looking to see how many other people struggle with the same thing. How do you deal with a non-flying family when you want to do it all the time? Want to buy a plane (really want to buy a short body Mooney). 

There have to be others out there dealing with this. 

[gsxrpilot]

That's a tough spot to be in. My wife is not interested in flying for the sake of flying and won't get in the airplane unless we have somewhere interesting to go. 

I'm super sensitive to making sure she is in the plane ONLY if it will be a good day for flying. That means no turbulence, strong crosswinds, low IFR, etc.

Secondly, I'll NEVER have her sit in the back seat. Unless she wants to. The Right seat belongs to her and no one can over ride that if she's in the plane.

Along with that, I'd never think of taking her up when I have a CFI in the plane or when doing any type of training, FR, checkout, etc. 

I try to plan opportunities to get her in the plane. But when I do, the entire flight is about her. I might suggest a departure time based on favorable weather, but I'll treat the flight as if she's the client and I'm the hired pilot. But I'll try to plan interesting places to go, short flights, sight seeing, or quick last minute trips to see her family.

Good luck with this...

 

[WaynePierce]

It would be real easy to say forget about the rest of the family and get your plane, but in reality it's a much tougher decision. I'm fortunate that my wife loves to fly with me, especially when we're going to see her Mom or or Grand-kids, both about a 10 hour drive or 11 depending on traffic, or a 3 hour flight in our J.

The old adage of, if Momma aint happy, nobody's happy would be very appropriate for you. If you are going to end up just getting a plane for the occasional 100 dollar hamburger I think you would be ok, if you spend a lot on a traveling machine yet your family drives you may be asking for trouble. Nothing wrong with a C for toodling around and if you are alone you have all the space (and speed) you need and you don't have to break the bank to own one....

[RLCarter]

Luckily my wife enjoys flying, no desire to learn but she has taken the controls a few times. I come from Motorcycles and Flying so  never push anyone to riding in or on either, if they agree to go I try and make it as smooth as possible. The one that try to impress their passengers by scaring them are morons. Give it time and be patient 

[Skates97]

Just now, gsxrpilot said:

That's a tough spot to be in. My wife is not interested in flying for the sake of flying and won't get in the airplane unless we have somewhere interesting to go. 

I'm super sensitive to making sure she is in the plane ONLY if it will be a good day for flying. That means no turbulence, strong crosswinds, low IFR, etc.

Secondly, I'll NEVER have her sit in the back seat. Unless she wants to. The Right seat belongs to her and no one can over ride that if she's in the plane.

Along with that, I'd never think of taking her up when I have a CFI in the plane or when doing any type of training, FR, checkout, etc. 

I try to plan opportunities to get her in the plane. But when I do, the entire flight is about her. I might suggest a departure time based on favorable weather, but I'll treat the flight as if she's the client and I'm the hired pilot. But I'll try to plan interesting places to go, short flights, sight seeing, or quick last minute trips to see her family.

Good luck with this...

 

Everything Paul has said, 100%.

Fortunately my wife is completely onboard with flying. She was in the plane once with a CFI (never again as Paul says). That was the first flight I ever took, the "Discovery Flight" that we turned into a mini lesson with turns, climbs, and some touch and go landings. I found out after the flight she was terrified. The next time she flew with me was right after I got my license at about 60 hours of time, I made that one nice and boring and she was hooked on it. There is a real difference between a training flight and taking passengers along. I try to make the flying as absolutely boring as possible for her and anyone else I take up. She appreciates it. Haven't had too many rough flights with her in the plane. The worst was a trip back to SoCal on a summer evening from Phoenix. Over Palm Springs we got bounced around pretty good (she actually had the barf bag out), but she was okay with it because we had flown to see family (purpose of the flight).

If it looks like it might be bouncy, I don't take her. If she is with me we always try to leave early when the air is smoother. But, if there is a destination she is okay with some bumpier stuff. She loves that we can get there faster. On a trip to Salt Lake that had to be driven this winter due to forecast storms I mentioned as we were in Vegas that we would have already landed in Salt Lake. She said "Don't remind me."

I actually share accident stories with her, tell her about them, even watch the AOPA accident reviews they do with her. I want her to know that I am constantly trying to learn and improve myself. 

[Andy95W]

You could get your CFI certificate, and then do that part time.  When hiring heats up again at the airlines, flight schools will be glad to have someone who they know isn't going to leave as soon as they get 1500 hours.

Then you may just have to live with the fact that your family is never going to fly with you, even on vacation, but at least you'll be flying regularly without significant expense.  And who knows, maybe one of your kids will one day express an interest to fly when they see you doing it.

Good luck.

[kortopates]

You're not alone. I believe its fair to say probably about 80% or more of pilots can't get their wives to fly with them except in special circumstances. As a CFI I've heard all the stories - most wives are quick to bring up a past flight where their husband scared them. It might have been the Low fuel warning light coming on followed by help me find an airport with fuel nearby, or it could have been less than successful avoidance of clouds getting to a destination or just flying in turbulence which is not something any pax enjoys.  They all have a story about why they don't want to fly with their husband and its usually a lack of trust after more than one experience. Lack of confidence in equipment is important too. Its one thing to just warm up to the fact we fly airplanes that are as old as we are, but if it looks its age, that's isn't inspiring at all to someone that would never drive in a car that isn't new looking.  Its doubly hard for a new or low time pilot, and it may take that instrument rating to build their confidence up enough.

Some of us are just plane lucky though - but it isn't all luck. We really have to work at our spouses comfort like Paul discussed above, at least initially - we gotta cancel or delay flights that won't be perfect - otherwise it will be her last. But you really want is to get your wife interested in being a crew member rather than just a pax to get her onboard with it all. My wife went on to get her Private and then her instrument rating and now we fly every where as two pilots swapping every other leg. And its not just VFR weather either, we fly in a lot of weather. I may be PIC, but she is the supreme commander! And I couldn't be any happier about it and all the traveling memories we have shared together.

Edited August 13, 2020 by kortopates

[Ibra]

What Paul says, but I will add few rules for flying with family:
- Gain experience elsewhere (leave aeros, low bumpy IFR, backcountry, BFRs for you & cfi)
- Have non-flying vacation and weekends and join wife & kids once to their hobby
- Easy flight in good conditions with purpose other than the flight itself  
- Never talk about GA/CAT accidents or statistics, just don't ! 
- Don't push it hard 1h/10h is already good
- Pay all non-flying bills, no question asked
- Delegate/teach some of the flying 

Also there is a luck factor, I know two pilots who are more experienced & equipped than me, both still could not convince their wives to tag along after some bad start, but my wife is working on that, getting into groups did help at least on one trip but it is a good start...

Edited August 12, 2020 by Ibra

[Niko182]

I'll add a different perspective. When I was 18 and I had just gotten my license, I was always trying to fly with some friends of mine in high school, and a lot of them told me the usual, "I'm trying to live after the flight", or, "I not trying to die". After a couple more months of me doing it regularly, it switched very quickly from me trying to find people, to different friends trying to fly with me. If people don't like flying, I'd advise against taking them up. The reality is, its just another bad experience for them to have. Theyre already expecting it to be bad, the the chances of you changing there mind is pretty small. Your wife is in the boat where she thinks flying is dangerous, and shes using useless facts to try to convince herself even more so. 

If you want to fly someone, you gotta check 2 boxes. First, do they want to fly? And second, do you want to fly with them? If those 2 basic boxes aren't even ticked, don't start planning on it.

[LANCECASPER]

 

[squeaky.stow]

1 hour ago, Fred as in Flintstone said:

Just looking to see how many other people struggle with the same thing. How do you deal with a non-flying family when you want to do it all the time? Want to buy a plane (really want to buy a short body Mooney). 

There have to be others out there dealing with this.

Welcome to MS Fred.

I showed your post to my wife and she chuckled. If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won’t) it’s not you. I have 40 years and 20,000 hrs and my wife still gets anxious when flying with me. She does come with me however, but just like @gsxrpilot I make sure to listen to her concerns and avoid conditions that would stress her. This means that I stay on the ground quite often in perfectly flyable conditions, but that is much better than scaring her and never flying again. Here are some things that worked for me.

I would suggest that you spend some time with her discussing ways that you can continue to pursue your passion and still keep your wife on board. This has to be a mutual agreement.  Over time, she may come around if she feels she has some control of the process. Some of that may involve getting a detailed understanding of what her biggest fears are: -Age/safety record of older GA planes? -Your experience level? -IFR weather and turbulence? -Collision risk? Part of this will be education. More people are killed by hippos every year than in all of Aviation! But some of it will be acknowledging her fears, whether rational or not, and setting conditions that she can live with. My Mooney can handle pretty serious IFR conditions but with the wife on board, I avoid them. 
Don’t despair, but be prepared for a long slow process and maybe a rethinking of how you envision using your pilot license. I have accepted that I will never be taking my wife up just for the pleasure of flight on a clear calm evening, but if there is something in it for her, like a great weekend in a beautiful city or seeing your grandkids during the COVID19 lockdown, my wife has come to appreciate the value of our owning an airplane. That’s very different than loving flying or loving my Mooney, but it is good enough for me.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Mark

 

 

[Hank]

My wife supports my aviation habit, and enjoys the utility--especially 2½ hours to see her mother vs. 8-9 hours in the car. But she's not a pleasure flyer, we have to be going somewhere.

[ohdub]

Was the flight that scared her, her first flight with you, or did she have positive experiences before that? It may help if she has some positive memories from before that flight.

Fortunately for me, my wife was always on board with me flying and owning an airplane. She enjoyed flying with me and had done many 600-1,000nm trips. Then two years ago on a trip to the east coast, due to stress from external events (she'd had a frivolous lawsuit filed against her) she had multiple panic attacks in the airplane. We were awaiting the judge's decision - he dismissed the lawsuit - so her panic was not about flying, but her brain made an association between the panic attacks and being in the airplane. Despite having over 300 hours of flying with me, she couldn't get back in the airplane, she took a commercial flight home from that vacation.

Thankfully, knowing logically that she enjoyed flying and the adventures we'd had together, she decided that she needed to get over her fear of being in the airplane. So last month she decided that she needed exposure therapy. She accepted that at first she would have panic attacks, but that that was ok. We flew almost everyday, starting out with circuits, and gradually moving farther away from home. We flew IFR again yesterday for the first time in two years. On the climb out, I looked over and she was busy on her phone, completely unconcerned, back to routine for her. When we broke out on top of the cloud deck, she looked at it in wonder and said "I've missed this".

So, if she has some positive experiences to think back on, maybe there is hope. It may take time, patience and understanding. I wish you the best of luck!

[jaylw314]

That's be a pretty good poll to see how many MS'ers have spouses willing to fly with them.  I'd hazard a guess that it'd be about 60-70% of us, which seems unusually high now that I think about it.  I recalled being in a flying club with 6 other members, and all of them seemed surprised when I asked them if their spouses were willing to fly with them.  Apparently, I was the only one.

She actually agreed to take lessons starting last summer, although that's on hold for now for multiple reasons.  I will say that riding in the back seat when your spouse is taking lessons is enjoyable, but absolutely exhausting.  I came out after each lesson sore because I kept leaning and pushing nonexistent rudders trying to correct the plane...

[RobertGary1]

Not sure if this helps. My wife and no interest in the plane and calls it “my husbands plane”. But she will get in it if were going somewhere she’s interested in. 
 

-Robert 

[Yourpilotincommand]

Cut your losses now and get a new wife!  Then... start living your dreams.  These are the early warning signs of the future. On a side note I fired my last girlfriend, and got a new one that loves to fly.. and she wants to learn to fly. I might have found a keeper.

[Jeph357]

My situation reflects many others if there is no destination at the end then shes not going. Im pretty sure itstems from one of her first flights with me back from Catalina and we hit wake turbulence just over the coast. It was a beautiful day and that was the only turbulence. I do plan flights shes coming with to cater to her comfort. My son at 19yo has better things to do than go fly with his dad. 

[Stan]

Baby steps, I stated with local flight, under an hour, for breakfast or lunch.  I always made sure the flights were smooth.

We put the kids in their car seats in the back, 15 minutes into the flight they were asleep or coloring on their breakfast tables.

Once she saw we could visit her family in 2 hours versus 8 driving it happened.

We were flying and she took out a book and started to read, I said a big YES!!!!!, quietly, of course.

A hundred years later and after a move to the East Coast, and a daughters move to Texas, and we could fly to Texas on our own schedule, she was definitely  on board.

We then extended those flights across the country to California.

 

I understand where the above post is coming from, but in my case in the aftermath, I wouldn't have the plane.

[Fred as in Flintstone]

1 hour ago, Hank said:

My wife supports my aviation habit, and enjoys the utility--especially 2½ hours to see her mother vs. 8-9 hours in the car. But she's not a pleasure flyer, we have to be going somewhere.

Yes, that is one of the things I try to point out. A 6 hr drive, not really weekend doable, to see her mother in CA or 10 hr drive to see kids at college turns into a <2 hr and a < 3 hour flight. 

But pointing it out is useless as she just seems adamantly opposed to it. So that wouldn't be happening. 

I have tried to make sure she knows that I would not fly her in anything close to adverse conditions, first thing in the morning and all of that. Still I've gotten nowhere, so have stopped offering. I do think that if she just gave it a shot again, she'd find it OK. That's the frustrating part. She has been on other flights with me - had a friend fly us on a long (400mile) cross country and it went great. Smooth as could be. One discovery flight with one school - went fine. Starting training - she was left seat, I was in the back, and it was a hot turbulent day. And that was it. No more. Hadn't anticipated that.

The real question for me is how to balance my passion and wanting to fly all the time with her refusing, We do ok money wise, so while she doesn't like how much it costs, we certainly can afford it and we wouldn't have to change our lifestyle financially if I'm flying all the time (for which I am grateful). But what do I do? 

First, gonna finish instrument / commercial, but then what. Someone mentioned CFI. I actually have thought about that. Have that be a retirement job and way to fly and get paid. But that's 10 years off. 

I know this is relationship advice more than flying advice. I am just frustrated that the thing I love the most outside of family is not something that I can end up sharing with her. I can't talk about the greased landing or the amazing views or the nice flight or the awesome 8's on pylons because she isn't impressed and doesn't want to talk about it. 

[Fred as in Flintstone]

31 minutes ago, RobertGary1 said:

Not sure if this helps. My wife and no interest in the plane and calls it “my husbands plane”. But she will get in it if were going somewhere she’s interested in. 
 

-Robert 

I would be completely happy with this situation. That is what I hope for. 

[Fred as in Flintstone]

1 hour ago, ohdub said:

Was the flight that scared her, her first flight with you, or did she have positive experiences before that? It may help if she has some positive memories from before that flight.

 

Well, had a couple of good flights, then the one. I wish I could get her to come around to the idea of the increased exposure making it fine. Unfortunately she isn't willing at this point to even give it a try. I think part of it is she doesn't want to feed the fire / fan the flames. 

 

[rbridges]

3 hours ago, gsxrpilot said:

That's a tough spot to be in. My wife is not interested in flying for the sake of flying and won't get in the airplane unless we have somewhere interesting to go. 

 

That's exactly how my wife is.  I try my best to avoid bumpy rides, but sometimes we leave out of Atlanta in mid-afternoons, and ATC has us under the Bravo for 15-20 minutes.  Ugh.  Fortunately, she's been my travel partner on many flights to see the kids.  

To the OP, you may want to coax her into a short ride on a clear early morning.  Best time to fly, but she may have her mind set.  It's a tough place to be if you love flying.  

[Fred as in Flintstone]

33 minutes ago, Yourpilotincommand said:

Cut your losses now and get a new wife!  Then... start living your dreams.  These are the early warning signs of the future. On a side note I fired my last girlfriend, and got a new one that loves to fly.. and she wants to learn to fly. I might have found a keeper.

Don't really want to do that. And I thumbs up'ed this one because you found someone who shares the passion. To be fair, this was not something I did from the start of our relationship 11 years ago. So this wasn't something she had signed up for. 

[rbridges]

 

I couldn't resist.  

[Amelia]

I’m one of the lucky ones My husband doesn’t really share my passion, but he supports it, is a calm and informed passenger, and appreciates the capability of this Mooney. We can leave our coastal NC home after breakfast and have lunch in StLouis with the world’s best grandsons. Match that, scheduled carriers!

I agree with the advice about calm flights, fine destinations, especially ones that little airplanes excel at, far from the big crowds, with no-pressure or worrisome deadlines. 
Don’t know if it helps to gloat over no TSA insulting excesses or the glories of escaping COVID indignities, but meeting your spouse rested and relaxed hours after your arrival at Idyllic Destination,  , when spouse got bumped from her flight,  or dealt with hours of crazy traffic, couldn’t hurt. Lots of pretty photos are good ammo, too. 

Maybe sign up for Angel Flight, Veterans’ Airlift, Pilots n Paws and other charity flights, tax deductible flying, experience, and unimpeachable excuse. Join some flying groups like CAP or Internet social flying groups and go to events, meet up with other pilots. If spouse won’t come, wave a cheery goodbye and have a fun story or two when you get home. 
Good luck!