Aviation Jokes

[Wildhorsesracing]

Howdy all,

Every forum I belong to usually has a thread where folks can add the latest joke or anecdote about the forum's subject matter. Usually everyone adds their jokes to the end of the thread and it eventually becomes quite the humorous read when you are sitting somewhere waiting for weather to pass.  I received this joke in my email today and thought it would be funny to pass on:

 

Why Pilots are always Honest....

A Pilot Parable 

One day, while an old pilot was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

 

The aviator replied that his ax had fallen into water, and he needed the ax to supplement his meager pension. The angel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the angel asked.

 

The aviator replied, "No." The angel again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your Ax?" the the angel asked.
 

Again, the aviator replied, "No." The angel went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your Ax?" the angel asked. The aviator replied, "Yes." The angel was pleased with the aviator's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the aviator went home happy.

Sometime later the aviator was walking with his woman along the river bank, and his woman fell into the river. When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh angel, my woman has fallen into the water!"

 

The angel went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your woman?" the angel asked. "Yes," cried the aviator.

 

The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

The Pilot replied, "Oh, forgive me angel. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And angel, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

And the angel was pleased. 

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a Pilot lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only for the benefit of others!     

 

[Bob - S50]

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One... he holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

 

Bob

[Hank]

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One... he holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

 

Bob

Unless it's a landing light. Then it takes a Pilot, A&P, IA, DER and 4 more from the FSDO.

[Andy95W]

So, the FAA in its infinite bureaucratic wisdom was going through its records and determined that Santa Claus hadn't had a checkride in a really, really long time. Realizing the safety of flight issues that surround an oversight such as this, they sent an inspector to the North Pole to give Santa his long overdue recurrent training and checkride.

After a very thorough oral exam that seemed to Santa like it took forever, they walk out to Santa's sleigh. While the fed checked the logbooks for the date of the last Annual, Santa performed his preflight inspection.

As they boarded the sleigh for the checkride, Santa noticed the FAA inspector was carrying a shotgun. He of course asked what the shotgun was for.

The Fed replied, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

[Guest]

Have you heard the one about Timmy asking his father why no one likes airplanes anymore? I'd tell you, but it would take too long.

Clarence

[aaronk25]

Have you heard the one about Timmy asking his father why no one likes airplanes anymore? I'd tell you, but it would take too long.

Clarence

Timmy is supposed to stay in his cage over on the Timmy thread.....

[Andy95W]

What are the three scariest things in Army Aviation?

A Second Lieutenant (O-1)ho says, "Based on my experience."

A Major (O-4) who says, "I have an idea."

A Warrant Officer (WO1) who just made PIC and says, "Watch this!"

Army Aviation sounds scary. Glad I was Infantry. I was grateful for the pogey birds when I was in Ranger School, though.

[Andy95W]

Riddle: What makes a helicopter fly?

Answer: They're so ugly the earth repels them.

(Sorry Dave)

[Bob - S50]

Did you hear about the flight attendant, mechanic, and pilot that went to the bar?

 

They each order a beer.

 

The flight attendant's beer comes first and there's a fly in it.  She says, ooooo...., bartender, there's a fly in my beer, bring me another one.  And he does.

 

The mechanics beer comes next and there's a fly in it.  He reaches in his hip pocket, grabs his needle nose pliers, grabs the fly, flips in on the ground, and drinks his beer.

 

The pilot's beer comes next and there's a fly in it.  He reaches in with his dirty fingers that he hasn't washed all day and grabs the fly.  He's just about to throw in on the ground when he looks at the fly, then he looks at the beer, then he looks at the fly again.  Holding the fly over the beer he shakes it and says, "spit it out... spit it out!".

 

Bob

[scottfromiowa]

Riddle: What makes a helicopter fly?

Answer: They're so ugly the earth repels them.

(Sorry Dave)

There is a story about a leg that said that to an Apache driver over the radio...

[ryoder]

Riddle: What makes a helicopter fly?

Answer: They're so ugly the earth repels them.

(Sorry Dave)

I disagree. Remember this beauty? It's no R22.

[Mooney20]

How can you tell a pilot at a cocktail party? Wait ten minutes. He'll tell you.

[Guest Mike261]

what is black, eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an a$$hole?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a pilots tie.

[ryoder]

Now I need to watch Airwolf.

[Wildhorsesracing]

If male pilots sit in a cockpit, where do female pilots sit?

[Andy95W]

If male pilots sit in a cockpit, where do female pilots sit?

I've heard an answer to this, but refuse to answer until I create a new MooneySpace user name, and Scott already took MyNameIsNobody!

[Hank]

I've heard an answer to this, but refuse to answer until I create a new MooneySpace user name, and Scott already took MyNameIsNobody!

So Scott already copied the old Western. Be similarly unoriginal and use "Mud" since that's what you think your name will become.

[bonal]

If male pilots sit in a cockpit, where do female pilots sit?

Since I don't know the answer and am terrible at riddles someone PM me the answer and I promise I won't tell. Or if some one can stand the mud tell the answer

[Htwjr]

A pilot sitting in a bar keeps looking at his watch and smiling at a woman sitting at the other end of the bar. The woman finally walks over and asks why he keeps looking at his watch and smiling. The pilot explains that he is an aviator and that his watch is the latest in technology and it gives him information about his surroundings. The woman then asked what kind of information the watch provided. The pilot says for example it is telling me that you are not wearing any panties. The woman says well I most certainly am wearing panties. The pilot looks at his watch, taps it with his finger, and says "ah... Damn thing's an hour fast."

Told previously under different topic but still funny.

[1964-M20E]

Now I need to watch Airwolf.

Was watching an episode the other day.  I hate when they do things wrong.  The instructor was telling the girl to pull more collective she was over torqueing the engine.    I could be wrong but every helicopter I’ve flown more collective = more torque piston or turbine.

[bonal]

Got 3 PM's with the answer to the riddle (funny) and not too distasteful

[xcrmckenna]

You know you've landed wheels up, when it takes full power to taxi...

[Wildhorsesracing]

Q: Why do 747s have humps? 

A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet. 

[marks]

A while back there was a very accomplished pilot living next to an uncontrolled airport somewhere in the midwest.  He owned two aircraft, a Pitts Special and an updated Aerostar.  He always told everyone that he was the best pilot in the region and had all sorts of trophies and medals for aerobatics as well as the fastest plane around.  Whenever the locals planned a picnic at the airport he would take up his Pitts and show off for the crowd doing the most amazing aerobatic stunts and barely recovering at the very lowest altitudes.  One day there was a BBQ at the airport and as usual the pilot went up in the sky to show off.  Then during one of the most death defying inverted stunts he suddenly lost the rudder control for just a second.  The airplane came out of the stunt almost in time, but he just caught the ground during the recovery and the airplane rolled and crashed.  The pilot broke both arms on the panel and ended upside down hanging from his seat belts as fuel poured all over him.  Then he saw a group of men running out onto the field to help him.  The big man in front was smoking a cigar with a bright red ash on the end of it.  The pilot looked up to the sky through a wide crack in the floor and said out loud,  "My God My God, why have you forsaken me?!"  And then from the great clouds above came the Voice,  "I don't know...but there's something about you that just ticks me off."         -   (A lesson for little Timmy)

[Wildhorsesracing]

The ceilings were a little low this morning...