Tasteless Joke of the day.

[Mcstealth]

13 hours ago, Nick Pilotte said:

Got this from a Navy buddy of mine. 

That takes concentration to follow all that on a cell phone

[Air pirate]

I was going to stand down but can’t help myself ...

so there are two fireman having sex in a smoke filled room, the chief walks in and says “what the hell are you guys doing?l

the fireman in the back replies “ sir this man has smoke inhalation “

the chief barks back “ then you should be giving him mouth to mouth”

the fireman replies “ I did! How do you think this shit got started?”

 

I’ll be going now 

[The Other Red Baron]

[MooneyMitch]

David Spade

"I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her."

[N9201A]

O’Malley and Reilly were painting a building across the street from a house of ill repute. They noticed a local pastor carefully looking over his shoulder before quickly ducking in.

“Tsk tsk, can ya believe that Reilly?” O’Malley clucked. “And a man of God, no less,” Reilly responded.

Twenty minutes later, a local rabbi, his overcoat collar turned up to shield his face, walked by twice. Satisfied no one was watching, he too ducked into the house across the street on his third pass. “And a man of the cloth, do you believe it, O’Malley?” O’Malley shook his head slowly. “Shame, for shame, Reilly.”

A half hour later, they recognized Father Murphy of their local Catholic church. “Look there, Reilly!” O’Malley exclaimed. Reilly nodded and clutched his chest in surprise, “One of those fellas must have had a heart attack, and now Father Murphy is there to administer last rites!”

[Jeph357]

So john is working in his yard passerby begins to make conversation. Passerby by introduces himself and John says to the passerby, you see my house and that house over there? I built them with my own 2 hands. Do they call me John the home builder?  No. You see those 2 bridges over there? I built them with my own 2 hands, do they call me John the bridge builder? No. You know the 2  cathedrals in town? I built them with my own 2 hands, do they call me John the cathedral builder? No!  But You have sex with 1 goat 1 time and what do they call me? 

[Mcstealth]

A man walks into a bar with a dog up North. The bartender tells the man that the dog cannot stay. Man begs for the dog to stay because that bar was the only bar playing the Cowboy's game,  and that his dog loves the Dallas Cowboys.  Right then the Cowboys receive the kick off and ran the ball back 60 yds.  The dog jumped up on the bar ran up-and-down and gave everybody high fives.  The bartender barked at the man. "Keep that dog in check. I'm not gonna let him stay here." Then there is a hand off that ran for 15 more yards. The dog again jumped up on the bar ran up-and-down and gave everybody high fives.  The bartender again yelled at the man to keep the dog down. The man said he was sorry it is just that his dog loves the Cowboys. As the dog sat down, there is a quick pass 5 yd short of a touchdown. The dog again jumped up on the bar gave everyone high fives.  The bartender was just beyond himself. He yells at the man, "what happens when they score touchdown?"  The man said, "I'm not sure. I've only had the dog for a couple of years."

[Seth]

On 4/3/2020 at 3:39 PM, MooneyMitch said:

I just read (don’t trust what read mostly....lol), Corona brewery stopped production! 

Sales were down something like 30%.  Every other liquor company is up (and this may have been stated already but I haven't read all the pages in this post yet).  Somehow certain people think the two are related.

-Seth

[MooneyMitch]

5 minutes ago, Seth said:

Sales were down something like 30%.  Every other liquor company is up (and this may have been stated already but I haven't read all the pages in this post yet).  Somehow certain people think the two are related.

-Seth

And some of those certain people have a driver license too.........................

[wcb]

1 hour ago, MooneyMitch said:

And some of those certain people have a driver license too.........................

And they do not even need a license to reproduce!

 

[MooneyMitch]

I hope this isn’t too tasteless 

[Nick Pilotte]

5 hours ago, MooneyMitch said:

I hope this isn’t too tasteless 

If only I spoke better French..... 

[MooneyMitch]

21 minutes ago, Nick Pilotte said:

If only I spoke better French..... 

Shoe fitting is a universal language! 

[Awful_Charlie]

Have another one

 

[Yooper Rocketman]

Forgive me but I can’t resist.  
 

A UPS Delivery Driver’s Last Day.  
 

So this UPS Driver has been sharing with his customers for many months the anticipated arrival of his Retirement Day after a great and rewarding 37 year career.    The last day nearly every customer has a gift for him, from cards, to gifts including a watch, gift cards, and other appreciated items.   But the delivery to one of his favorite, and very good looking, customers is one he’ll never forget.  

Upon his knock at the door she opens it wearing the most appealing/attractive night gown he’s ever seen.  She invites him in, takes him to her bedroom, and he has an hour of the most remarkable time he’s ever had in his life.  She then takes him to the kitchen, where the most amazing breakfast is prepared and waiting for him on the table.  As he starts eating, he can’t help but notice a five dollar bill sitting under his coffee cup.  

Reflecting on this unbelievable experience, he finally says to her, “I hate to ask, but after that amazing time in your bedroom, and then this incredible breakfast, what’s with the five dollar bill under my coffee cup”?    She replies I asked my husband last night what he thought I should do for you to say thanks for 38 years of service as you complete your last day of work before retiring?  He said “f**k him, give him  five bucks”.  The breakfast, “that was MY IDEA”!

Tom

[MooneyMitch]

Now, I'm liking this.......................... 

[MooneyMitch]

Please have consideration for others..................

[cliffy]

Smith Charts Haven't thought of those since my days in an anechoic chamber

[Mcstealth]

On 7/4/2020 at 12:54 AM, cliffy said:

Smith Charts Haven't thought of those since my days in an anechoic chamber

Boolean logic maybe?

[MooneyMitch]

Most of our 60+ generation were   HOME SCHOOLED in many ways  

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION  

"You’ better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My father taught me LOGIC

." Because I said so, that's why ."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT   .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My father taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

."Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times; don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION  

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY  

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION  

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING  

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP  

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My father taught me HUMOUR   .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM   .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

 

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

[carusoam]

That must have been a hand-out for new parents....

Some of the quirky quotes are word for word copies of what my grandparents told my parents, who dumped it on me...
 

I will gladly show my kids where it comes from.... 

Best regards,

-a-

 

[steingar]

Eight women standing in a line.  First faces forward, next faces backwards.  Next woman faces forward, next backwards. The fifth woman faces forwards, and the last three all face backards.

 

What's the song?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The William Tell Overture

 

 

 

 

Titty rump, titty rump, titty rump rump rump

[Ross Taylor]

Okay...this isn't a tasteless joke...or maybe it is...but it made us chuckle.  We recently opened a restaurant and unfortunately we've had issues with transients and drunks sleeping and pissing on our patio at night.  The property owner won't let us enclose it, so we bring the cushions inside every night...and the furniture is chained down.  That doesn't help with the trash and piss clean-up though...so I added a wifi water valve and a 1/2-inch water pipe cap with holes drilled into it, to narrowly aim pretty aggressive water jets...for washing the furniture at night, of course.  This was last night's video.

[MooneyMitch]

7 hours ago, steingar said:

Eight women standing in a line.  First faces forward, next faces backwards.  Next woman faces forward, next backwards. The fifth woman faces forwards, and the last three all face backards.

 

What's the song?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The William Tell Overture

 

 

 

 

Titty rump, titty rump, titty rump rump rump

Yikes !!! 

[Mcstealth]

On 7/14/2020 at 6:21 PM, MooneyMitch said:

Most of our 60+ generation were   HOME SCHOOLED in many ways  

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION  

"You’ better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My father taught me LOGIC

." Because I said so, that's why ."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT   .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My father taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

."Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times; don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION  

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY  

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION  

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING  

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP  

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My father taught me HUMOUR   .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM   .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

 

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

26. My mother taught me what an emergency is: "You'll shoot your eye out"