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N252WD

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Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter!"

Edna always replied, "I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year, Ken and Edna went to the fair,  and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Edna replied, "Ken, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. 
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

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cid:5C41FD375402462E883827C1110A9B09@Kathy1

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' 
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!' 
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)

God bless our troops.
There is something about a Marine that makes other countries listen to reason
.

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A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.   

 

The jet jockey decided to show off.   

 

 

 

1f244a.jpg
 

 

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly   

 

went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished  

 

with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot  

 

asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?  

 

 

 

1f2459.jpg
 

 

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'  

 

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130  
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'  

 

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' 

 

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked 
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

 

 When you are young & foolish -   speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!  

 

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!  

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An Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and Flying Ace, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokker's appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's."

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The pilot and co-pilot of an airliner were chatting in the cockpit, unaware they'd bumped the PA switch - broadcasting their conversation to everyone on board the aircraft. The pilot tells the co-pilot, "the stewardess today is a good looking lady." Co-pilot says, "after I finish my coffee, I'll go back there and have my way with her."
The stewardess runs up the isle to tell the crew they are hot-miking. She trips and falls in the isle. An older lady looks down and smiles at her and says, "no need to hurry sweetheart, he said he was going to finish his coffee first."

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk

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Mrs. Jones asks her second grade class if any of them know a story with a moral.  Little Suzi gets up and tells the class about the tortoise and the hare, who's moral was "slow and steady wins the race".

Little Johnny gets up and tells everyone about his Uncle Frank.  Uncle Frank was a fighter pilot in the 'Nam.  His  jet got shot down by a missile, but he parachuted to safety.  On the way down he drank a whole bottle of Rye Whiskey, and when he landed he killed a whole squadron of Viet Cong with his pistol.  When he ran out of bullets he killed a dozen more with his knife, and killed the last two with his bare hands.

Mrs. Jones is aghast, and asks little Johnny what kind of moral there could be in a horrible story like that!

Little Johnny replies "that's easy.  The moral of the story is don't mess with Uncle Frank when he's been drinking."

 

 

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There was once a pilot before the advent of geo-referenced taxi on the iPad, I think he was flying a Cirrus, who was confused during taxi at a very busy Class B airport.  He made a wrong turn which prompted the ire and wrath of a very angry ground controller.  She proceeded to berate him and made him confirm turns at each and every taxiway intersection until they finally came to the runway in a long line of jets getting ready for departure.  After hearing all of this an unidentified voice keyed the mic and said, " I think I was married to you at one time."  She demanded to know who spoke last, but the frequency remained silent.

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An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

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So a little boy and his mommy are on an airplane.The little boy asks"if mommy and daddy can make babies and mommies and daddy doggies can make puppies,than how do mommy and daddy airplanes make baby airplanes?The mom says I don't know,"go up front and ask the pilot".The little boy does and the pilot answers"our airplane doesn't make babies cause were Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time

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copy/pasted just in case I had forgotten any detail....

------------

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

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  • 4 months later...

A Former Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. His friend was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, they were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around them. Next, they lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As they were being tossed around in the sky, pilot said, “Uh-oh!
Fearing the worst, his friend asked, “What’s wrong now?
Pilot replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.

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On 5/8/2017 at 3:04 PM, Skates97 said:

An Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and Flying Ace, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokker's appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's."

Great joke, but the Irish were neutral in WW2 just like the Swiss.  Make him Scottish!

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The first time that I read that joke, the old fighter pilot was Free Polish and fighting for Britain.  

The Poles, of course, had ample reason to hate the German Fokkers, whether the Germans were flying JUs, MEs, or FWs.

Edited by Mikey30V
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 
Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over Manly Beach .
Tower (Female voice): "Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I'm going to have to hold you over the Manly area." 
Cessna WYXD: "I love it when you talk dirty to me." 
 


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." 
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?" 
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm  f...ing bored!" 
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" 
Unknown aircraft:  "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


 

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,  Eastbound." 
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" 
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."



A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" 
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." 
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .  Why must I speak English?" 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
 


 

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." 
Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

 



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" 
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:  "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll hve enough parts for another one."

 



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:”
Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." 
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

 



While taxiing at London 's Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" 
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the  humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

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On 5/8/2017 at 6:58 AM, N252WD said:

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter!"

Edna always replied, "I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year, Ken and Edna went to the fair,  and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Edna replied, "Ken, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. 
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

I am stealing that with no remorse whatsoever.

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8 hours ago, Geoff said:

Great joke, but the Irish were neutral in WW2 just like the Swiss.  Make him Scottish!

 

6 hours ago, Mikey30V said:

The first time that I read that joke, the old fighter pilot was Free Polish and fighting for Britain.  

The Poles, of course, had ample reason to hate the German Fokkers, whether the Germans were flying JUs, MEs, or FWs.

I'll bet there are probably a bunch of different versions floating around. I can't remember what site I was on that I copied it from...

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  • 10 months later...
  • 5 months later...

Ok, this isn't an aviation joke, but with all the talk over in another thread about how cold it is where some of you are I thought you might get a laugh out of it. Enjoy the "Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler." Having lived in a lot of snow I have a hard time reading through it without crying because I'm laughing so hard.

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler, written by someone who just moved back to snow country.


December 8   6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds a gain. I love snow!

December 9   
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt real bad.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling!
Took all day. The snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again.
I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think he is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the beast  who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow with his truck and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight - Snowed in.   
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
The WIFE  is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear-end.
The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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